I'm just so tired, scared and confused

"When I was a kid I often played boy roles with my friends who were girls and of course had girl roles with all my friends who were guys. However, the older I got, the more I played as boys with all my friends until soon I stopped playing as female characters altogether.

Ever since I was twelve I realized that I hated my body. I hate having boobs. They always make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. That's why I wonder if perhaps I might be transgendered? I hate sports, but I don't know if that matters because a lot of my guy friends don't like sports.

By the time I was fourteen I was depressed because I felt uncomfortable all the time. To this day I hate drawing to much attention to myself because I often feel like I'm not myself, if that makes any sense.I can't let myself date anyone or get too close because I don't want to embarrass them or have them hate me. I can't tell if I don't want to have sex or if I don't want to have sex because I'm a girl. I already resigned myself to being one of nature's bachelors. Still, I'm attracted to men. I hate when people address women and I know they are including me, and sometimes I even hate women although I'm not entirely sure why. I just want to be me and I'm not even sure who that is anymore. I've been trying so hard not to draw attention to myself for nearly a decade now that maybe I'm not really anything anymore.

I don't know, I'm not explaining myself very well and I want to talk about it, but I don't think my family will accept me if I tell them. I want to be sure I'm transgendered before I say anything and ruin everything. I'm just so tired, scared and confused and don't even know what to do anymore. I don't think I'll kill myself, but some days I just get so depressed that maybe one day I just, I don't know. A couple years ago I told my therapist that 30 seems like a good year to die, and sometimes I think, wouldn't it be nice. I know I wouldn't slit my wrists because it's too messy, and I wouldn't hang myself because suffocating while conscious doesn't seem like a good way to go, but overdose of medication would probably knock me out and I'd die in my sleep with any luck. Sometimes I think about that and it makes me hate myself but still feel a bit comforted.

I'm also scared because I think I am transgendered but what if I never get to be happy?

I don't know what to do anymore and if you could help me out I would really appreciate it. Thank you for you time.

C.M.

P.S. sorry the structure of this message is so sloppy, but I really don't know how I'm supposed to talk about this."

Source: http://answers.psychcentral.com/Depression/how-do-you-know-if-youre-transgendered/